ďDo what you feel in your heart to be right Ė for youíll be criticized anyway. Youíll be damned if you do, and damned if you donít.Ē
ďAny fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.Ē
What do you fear in your everyday life? One common answer would probably be to be criticized. To stand there and hear those words streaming out of someoneís mouth and feel stupid or feel rejected or like you are getting smaller and smaller.
I get quite a bit of feedback from my readers. Most of it is positive and supportive. But there are also sometimes criticism or harsh and nasty attacks. That part isnít always so fun and can be hurtful. But it is a part of life if you want to live your life your way.
That being said, I have a few steps that I usually run through when I get an email that is critical or is attacking me. This isnít some magical protection from being hurt or feeling pain but it helps me to better handle criticism and sometimes to get something good out of it.
These steps work pretty well in real life too.
1. Donít reply right away.
It is very easy to become riled up, angry or defensive when you receive some criticism. This is not a good position to be in to fire away a reply if you donít want to wind up making the situation worse.
Plus, I really work on keeping my self-esteem high. And to lash back at them or to not be the better person here can really hurt your self-esteem. It might feel good for a while to do so but it is a dirty high that comes with a hangover of feeling worse about yourself and subtle or not so subtle self-destructiveness.
So this is about my own well-being to a high degree. And so I never reply back right away. Instead I look closer at the email. If you receive criticism in real life try to at least take a couple of deep breaths to cool down just a bit and to feel more balanced before you reply.
2. Really listen to the criticism
Instead of attacking the other person for his or her words and building a hostile atmosphere try to calm it down. Try to remain level-headed, open and figure out how this message can help you.
Ask yourself questions like:
Can I learn something from this piece of criticism? Maybe there is something here that I do not want to hear but that could help me to improve?
3. Remember: the criticism isnít always about you.
Some criticism is certainly helpful. Some isnít that helpful or just simply attacks. What can I do then?
Well, then I remember that criticism isnít always about me. It would be nice if all criticism one gets comes from level-headed place. But in reality people will have a bad day or week. Some will hate some part of their life. Some might not be all that well at this moment.
So they lash out at you to release pent up negative emotions. On your blog or maybe in school or at work. Itís not fun. But it happens.
To lessen the sting of this criticism or these attacks I try to be understanding. I think that based on the message I got Ė often really angry or overly critical about some pretty minor thing Ė this person isnít feeling too good right now and is overreacting or need to release some pent up emotions.
By being understanding of this it becomes easier to just let such messages go instead of feeling bad or becoming angry too.
4. Reply or let go.
If you reply then try one or a few follow up questions if you think that could help you. And even when someone blurts out something not too constructive like ďYour work/blog/product isnít very goodĒ you might want to ask a few open-ended questions to get more constructive information.
- What part of it did you not like or did you not find helpful?
- How can I improve it?
I thank him or her for what he or she wrote. I may add a question or two to get more clarification.
Sometimes I get back a much more level-headed reply where they actually help me to improve what I am doing and although I may still feel a bit hurt it also feels good to be the better person in this situation and to create a constructive conversation.
If they wonít answer your questions then they are probably just lashing out. And so it is time to let go.
I really donít reply to all emails though. Nasty attacks are for example most often just put in the junk mail folder. I have more interesting things to focus on.
5. Keep your daily balance.
This isnít a step to handle one specific email, phone call or critical message. But I have found that it becomes a whole lot easier to handle criticism if you stay balanced in your daily life. Those messages seem to not be as hurtful, they donít affect me as much or sometimes just roll off my back like water on a duck when I:
- Work in a relaxed way. Extra stress makes you more susceptible to the negative messages and to overreacting to criticism.
- Manage the 3 fundamentals. That means to eat properly, to get enough sleep and to work out a couple of times a week. Keeping the balance of your physical fundamentals make you mentally stronger too.
- Keep the self-esteem up. Criticism can send you down a spiral of self-loathing and feeling lousy about yourself. Keeping the stress down and the energy-giving fundamentals up can help you to not wind up in such dark places. Keeping your own self-esteem up is also vital. A couple of basic things that help me to do so is to behave in way where I do the right thing (like being the better person when replying to a critical email) as best I can, to appreciate myself, my good traits and accomplishments and to forgive myself instead of beating myself up about stuff or holding myself to impossible standards.